CNN BREAKING NEWS: WOOD PRODUCTS COME FROM FORESTS

CNN BREAKING NEWS: WOOD PRODUCTS COME FROM FORESTS

 

**WARNING: Readers with a sense of humor only.  This is a parody.  While the forest facts are true, the dialogue is fictional.  This did not air on CNN.  The below did not come from, was not approved by, or sponsored by CNN or Wolf Blitzer.  Just so we are clear. *

 

Wolf Blitzer (from the New York City studio): Good evening from the Situation Room.  Tonight, breaking news.  Happening now, we are learning from inside sources that wood products – including lumber to build millions of homes in this country – do not, I repeat, do not, come from Home Depot or Lowe’s.  Our correspondent, Faux Green, is on the ground in Oregon for this exclusive reporting.  Faux, what can you tell our viewers at home about this shocking new development?

 

Faux Green (outside of Home Depot): Wolf, we have a few major, breaking storylines developing here in Oregon.  We are learning from our sources that the wood products you see stacked behind me, here at the Home Depot Lumber Yard, and countless wood products inside Home Depot were transported from local manufacturing facilities – popularly known as “mills” – rather than being made by hand here at the store.

 

It’s our understanding – and we are working with our team of experts to confirm this – the process works something like this: trees from a forest are cut and removed, followed by replanting.  The cut trees are trucked to nearby mills where thousands of workers throughout the state use modern technology to convert material from forests into useable wood products like lumber, plywood, doors, and cabinets.  We are also learning that even the byproduct of the manufacturing process – think sawdust and chips – is used as well, including for energy and heat for the mill.

 

Wolf, I am also hearing… and, yes, this has just been confirmed in my earpiece… breaking news, that even the Amazon Prime box used to ship the book “How to Pretend to Know What You are Talking About for Dummies” I ordered online – both the box and the book come from woody material from a forest.  It’s just… it’s hard to wrap your mind around Wolf.

 

Wolf Blitzer: Bombshell news from Oregon tonight.  Happening now, our viewers at home are now learning that wood products – dimensional lumber, paper, cardboard boxes, I assume even toilet paper – come from forests, not corporate home improvement stores.  Faux, with 325 million Americans in this country and billions worldwide daily consuming wood products, if your reporting is indeed accurate, I assume you are seeing the massive devastation of forests in Oregon and throughout the West.  Are there any trees left?

 

Faux Green: Wolf, to our surprise, it’s quite the opposite.  Just yesterday, we drove over one hundred miles of forest roads and saw trees as far as the eye can see.  I estimate there are billions of trees of all ages and size out here.  In fact, unnamed public officials are telling us – behind closed doors – that there are more trees standing today in Oregon than the number of trees standing in the 19th Century.  Of course, these officials can’t and won’t acknowledge this fact publicly.  This is highly sensitive and potentially explosive information.

 

Wolf Blitzer: Sorry to interrupt your excellent reporting, Faux.  Why?  Help our viewers at home understand: why is this information so explosive or controversial?

 

Faux Green: It doesn’t fit the narrative being peddled out here, Wolf.  We are being told here on the ground there’s a sense by some, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary and laws requiring replanting, that once trees are cut and removed from a forest, forests never return and can never recover.  They’re gone forever.  But just to give you a sense, Wolf, there is one public forest here in Western Oregon we visited yesterday that grows 1.2 billion board feet of wood every year.  A “board foot” is the equivalent of one square foot of wood, one inch thick.  If that amount of wood was stacked in a column, it would reach 100 million feet in the air, or 35,000 times the height of Mt. Everest.  That’s just wood growth from one – ONE! – Oregon forest every year alone – not to mention the millions of acres of other public and private Oregon forests.

 

We are also learning that in many cases, the federal government is actually required by law to cut and remove trees from these forests but has failed to follow its own forest plans for nearly three decades.  My government contacts are privately telling us they hope the public does not notice or that politicians will continue to avoid asking tough questions about how hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars are spent to not implement the law or manage these forests.

 

Wolf Blitzer: If you are just joining us in the Situation Room, stunning, breaking news tonight: wood products come from forests and there are still billions of trees standing in Oregon – and presumably in the West! Remarkable reporting from our inquisitive and persistent correspondent, Faux Green.  Faux, tell our viewers what else you are learning and hearing tonight from Oregon.

 

Faux Green: Wolf, it is with a sober and sad heart tonight to report that we have now confirmed, through multiple eyewitness accounts and interviews with scientists, old trees do not live forever.  It’s shocking, devastating news – but it is something we can now report with confidence.

 

Some have tried for decades to pass laws to protect old trees from the cycle of life and inevitable death.  Unfortunately, it appears those repeated efforts have been in vain as science, nature, and according to some experts – plain common sense – have convincingly demonstrated all trees perish.  But, as reported this evening Wolf, miraculously, forests do continue to grow and thrive here in Oregon and the West.  Replanting, science-based management, and the fact that people care about the future of public forests – including people who work in the forest products industry – are helping ensure forests flourish.  Wolf, it seems responsible stewardship is really a part of Oregon’s culture and identity out here.

 

Wolf Blitzer: Powerful words, if you will, from Faux Green.  Groundbreaking.  Faux, as always, outstanding reporting and extraordinary investigative work.  Thank you.

 

Stay tuned.  Next, our panel in the studio will try to address the age-old mystery: where does food come from?  More breaking news from a cornfield in Iowa and dairy farm in Wisconsin.  You won’t want to miss new shocking revelations that are leading families and consumers to question the source of their food: Safeway, Whole Foods, or somewhere else? Exclusive on CNN. We’re live.  We’re breaking news.  You’re in the Situation Room.  Stay with us.


FORESTRY'S BEST DAYS ARE YET TO COME. HERE'S WHY.

*This article first appeared in the April issue of TimberWest Magazine and was reprinted with the permission of the author. 

By Nick Smith

Healthy Forests, Healthy Communities (HFHC) was launched five years ago as a grassroots coalition advocating for better management of federally owned forest lands. Back then I couldn’t have foreseen the changes in Washington D.C. and within the forest products industry itself. It’s not easy to be part of an effort to turn around decades of federal mismanagement. But I know there isn’t a better time to be working alongside this industry, whose best days I’m convinced are yet to come.

Five years ago, it seemed there was little momentum for forestry issues in Congress and the White House. Few forest products companies and associations were utilizing newspapers and other media, let alone social media, to tell their stories and shape public opinion. Grassroots advocacy on timber issues had been largely abandoned since the so-called “timber wars.” Ongoing challenges — from log supply to labor — called into question the very future of the industry in the United States.Read more